How to non-horribly leverage guilt
A question from a reader. Let's have three categories.
Leveraging guilt is horrible because it's the wrong motive
It's horrible because it makes you do things to appease yourself, even if they are the wrong things.
It feels horrible and that puts you off doing stuff.
I would question two things on the motive point. First, do you have enough guilt? Are you doing as much as you can? If not, go on Twitter and read about the doctors and nurses whose faces are bruised from their masks. Read tweets from people whose relatives are dying. Maybe you should feel horrible. I think guilt is entirely the right motive. Shaming people can often be productive and necessary. (Note though that you can shame someone into changing their mind while being gentle and kind about it. Shaming should not be enjoyed as sport.)
Second, are there any wrong motives? I'm all for virtue ethics, but in this situation we want people to act at the edges of their capability, not in their comfort zones. If guilt makes you put in more effort, have better ideas or contribute an extra half hour, then good.
So discarding the wrong motive issue, let's think about 2 and 3.
The common sense view of guilt is that it exists for good reasons and ought to be acted on to make yourself feel better. In this case we might want to temper our guilt to enable productivity without encouraging activity that encourages the spread. That will answer number 2.
Usually we think of guilt as a spur to improve the way we act in our relationships with friends, family and colleagues. But right now, our guilt may well mostly be about people we don't know.
The lucky ones, with food, spacious housing and private outdoor space usually cannot help feel bad about the many people who do not have those things. Especially because that luck probably correlates with a better chance of remaining employed, or having savings and investments, or having other ways through.
Staying at home is the best thing you can do, but it doesn't feel like much of a contribution. You feel like you are surviving because you are lucky.
Survivor's guilt is usually the bane of politics. Being a successful middle-class person isn't an argument for setting a certain tax rate. We shouldn't set policy to make well-off people feel better. It might be an argument for you acting differently in society, like giving away more money charitably.
So the first non-horrible way to deal with your guilt is to send your money to people who need it. Homeless, children's and domestic abuse charities seem like intuitive options, although I suspect they will get a lot of donations. Consider donating to countries like India, poised to suffer from this pandemic with much less wealth-per-capita and healthcare infrastructure than some other countries. Buying your guilt off may sound wrong, but people need resources now. Give them your money and feel good.
Second, use the leverage you have to make a difference. I'm guessing someone (or some group) were influential in changing Elon Musk's mind and getting Tesla to make ventilators. Those people made a big contribution. Who do you know who you can persuade to act differently? This may not be an issue anymore, but we are not through thing yet.
Third, give blood. It's a permitted use of travel and hospitals need it. It's a productive contribution to the ongoing healthcare effort.
Fourth, give up your time. This doesn't have to be volunteering in hospital. Call the people you know who are lonely. They might not have heard from you in a while. So message them instead. Send gifts.
Fifth, spread your guilt. It might have changed now, but we all know people who were not locking down properly. Talk them into it.
So what about staying productive without feeling guilty? We all have day-to-day lives to get through. Guilt makes me stay in, but then it makes me unproductive. How to break that trap? My correspondent framed it like this: 'how to productively use guilt without the horrible emotional suffering from it.'
I'll avoid the usual stuff about have a routine, take a shower etc. And I would strongly recommend reading some of James Clear's view of atomic habits, noting that reading about productivity is a less direct route to productivity than simply being productive. Decide beats deliberate.
First, simply reverse it. When you feel guilty, find ways of making it positive. I am trying to email colleagues sporadically with a short description of why I am grateful to work with them. I also try and post ideas on improving wellbeing on LinkedIn. You only have to reach one person. One a day is all it takes.
Second, wellbeing is often about small things. People advise that you take up a hobby or learn a language. All well and good if you have the time (and no children or no blog). I find guilt or other styles of blue can inhibit that.
Start with small things. Stand in the sun. Make a little jump, it works wonders.
Remember that birdsong lowers stress. As activity slows down, birds will be more noticeable. Less traffic, more birds. Sit in your garden or open the window and watch. In London, you will be surprised by the volume. The pleasure is in the detail. Do you know what each bird sounds like? Are you familiar with their movements? Look at the way they fly.
Try singing. Singers are happier. Singing might even affect you as positively as exercise. We can all sing. No set-up required. Failure rate zero. Bad singing is still fun singing. I sing in-between the notes, but it works for me.
It's what the philosopher Thomas Hobbes did in bed to exercise his lungs. It's what lung cancer patients do to improve capacity. It's how Mr Rogers started every episode. It's the cheapest, quickest, easiest wellbeing programme you can go on. And if you do have kids, they can sing along with you.
I don't believe happiness always is a choice. But singing can be. So crank up Spotify, tap into your inner Julie Andrews and sing, sing, sing.
Third, maybe smooth out your efforts. I'm in full agreement with Tyler Cowen on the importance of speed. But if you are optimising for guilt management don't give away all your money, call your granny and donate blood tomorrow, only to spend the next month letting your guilt build up again and lead you into inaction. Be like the Scouts, do one good deed a day.
Fourth, have a motto you can repeat, or pin up. Your only competition is yourself. Working at home for the next few weeks is a good time to remember that. If you need goading, try this Marcus Aurelius random quote generator.
Fifth, find something to praise. Poets are good at this. I happened to be standing by Mary Oliver is a good place to start.
Two caveats to all of this. First, the wisdom of Pamela J. Hobart:
Although it is logically possible to find meaning in anything, some lives are more meaning apt than others. This is basically what we learn from positive psychology, common sense, and good fiction.
So, do what works. As she says, 'if you've been trying something weird, maybe it's time to try something more ordinary.'
Second, There are no answers. We are all working towards our level of ignorance, the point where we can’t work it out anymore. It just feels like we’re working towards the objective answer, as if life was a maths lesson. But the challenge is the point.
Looking for answers is like believing evolution is about survival of the fittest. It’s close enough to get you through. But it’s really about survival of the best adapted for the environment. And in a complex dynamic world, that answer changes all the time.
So, expect your guilt to fluctuate like the weather, along with your other feelings. Manage them. Prioritise not going out. Sometimes horrible feelings of guilt are bad for you but good for everyone else.
And if it gets really bad, just sing.
If you are interested in other thoughts, I wrote recently about the potential changing social dynamics of the pandemic.